Things are not so good for me right now.  That's why I've been AWOL.  I miss you guys soooo much! (Dina, Leenie, Wendy, Cizzle) I'll be back when my life takes a better turn. I just don't have the time or the energy to write.  I know it's selfish, I miss reading about you all!  I am dealing with something right now that is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with~ Mike is trying to get custody of my babies.  I refuse to let him do this to me and the boys.  I wish I knew what the hell was going through his head.  He was barely around for the past 4 years now all of the sudden he's trying to bullshit everyone, including himself, into thinking he's Mr. Mom!  If I lose my kids to him I honestly don't know what I'll do.  I can't believe that I might lose them to a known drug abuser who couldn't even keep the heat on in the winter time cause he didn't pay the fucking gas bill.  I hate to think what he's telling the boys.  He has a girlfriend now too.  Between her and his bitch of a Mother I can only imagine what they're telling him.  I will fight with all that I have so that my boys grow up healthy, happy, and most of all WITH ME!!!!  I have a hole in my heart and a ache in my stomache that won't go away.  I need to up my dosage on my pills I think.  I feel so scared and alone.  I have been a stay at home Mom for 5 years, if I can't live with my boys I don't know what I have to live for.  They are my world, my reason to get up in the morning, my reason to do good things, my reason to love, my reason for everything...I am crying all the time cause I'm not there to tuck them in or kiss thier boo-boos.  Aiden is talking so much and he says  "Gramma Sue" so much I want to fucking scream!!! (Mike's mom)  She IS NOT thier Mother!!!! I think she forgets that.  It's not my fault she screwed up all her kids and is trying to make up for it with mine.  She is the puppet master and Mike is the puppet...how fucking sad that he can't make up his own mind.  He never wanted a wife.  He wanted a Mother and a maid.  I would never reduce myself to that.